Santa is on strike due to global warming. All presents this year will be delivered by Sasha the Christmas Tiger. Milk and cookies may not be sufficient.
my only wish is that once guillermo does turn into a vampire he becomes just as stupid as the rest of them I think being an absolute idiot just comes with the vampire curse
See, I haven’t seen wwdits and read this and just sort of automatically thought you meant Guillermo del Toro and was like yeah that tracks
the UPS guy just knocked and went “does [deadname] live here, i’ve got a package for them but it says someone named lillian lives here” and i was like “oh no yeah, i’m lillian, that’s my old name, i’m going through gender transition”
and this old guy who looks like a side-character in a stephen king novel gives me a once-over and goes, “oh. well, i got your mask,” and he hands me a perfectly clear bag containing this
which is a mask i ordered online to put on Tommy Lee Bones, the skeleton who sits outside my house and gets dressed up with fun seasonal accoutrements depending on the holiday
the turkey mask, of course, was meant to be for thanksgiving, which was yesterday. we missed the cutoff. supply chain issues for meat masks i guess
and i was like “oh yeah that’s for my skeleton” and he blinks and rubs his mustache and goes “boy that masks probably smells weird” and walks away
i truly love that my gender was the least weird thing about getting, in the mail, this mask, which also features the most passionately insane packaging imaginable
“vampires wouldn’t want to have sex with their prey because humans are just like soup and a sandwich to them” INCORRECT vampires are little fucking freaks there’s no telling what they’ll do with their human juice box of the month
everyone is so determined to humanize vampires that we’ve forgotten what vampires are really about: just being a nasty little creature. a fucked up little dude being weird about a human-shaped capri sun
The person who ran next to your car when you were a child.
Shoutout to those that never imagined this guy and get really confused when they see everyone agree that they saw them as a kid. My favorite collective hallucination.
I like stories where a normal human child is being raised by a sinister supernatural being who is totally malevolent except when it comes to their kid. Those are so much better than the “kids are scary” changeling type horror movies.
Like a perfectly well-adjusted well-mannered friendly child that is like “This is my dad, Surazal. He comes out of the mirrors in dark rooms. He makes really good blood pudding but he’s bad at playing catch. Most people can’t see his corporal form but I can because he says I have special eyes.”
“Mom says that you can stay over but you have to promise not to leave my room between midnight and 1 am. You can play Mario Cart with me! But you have to knock on every closed door in the house before entering just because dad might be in there and if you look upon his visage without drinking the holy fruit juice, you might go crazy or something. Also dad is really excited I have a new friend and he’s going to to make hardtack and mystery stew for us! You’ll love it!”
In high school the kid gets a friend that is an amateur demonologist who initially befriends them in hopes of exorcizing their house but ends up becoming buddies with Surazal too because they crave parental affection.
Surazal stands at the end of the vast dark hallway and says “You Too Have Special Eyes, Little One. You Can See Me Without Being Taken By The Madness. Within You, I Sense Great Turmoil And Sadness. In My Younger Years, I Would Have Exploited The Sadness As Weakness In Your Very Soul. I Would Have Worn Your Skin Like A Mask And Run Through The Village Streets, Supping Blood From Every Man I Encountered. But Now I Have No Use For Woe. Perhaps You Would Like To Watch Beetlejuice In The Family Room With My Daughter While I Prepare Cupcakes. I Am Sensing You Have A Fondness for Red Velvet.”
I will forever respect Animorphs for tricking kids who are just really into animals to read a book series by going “Hey you, you daydream about what it’s like to be a dolphin or a bird or a wolf? Have I got a book for you!” and then slowly radicalizing them with 50+ books of “There are no winners in war. Whatever ‘victory’ you perceive comes at the cost of sacrificing your own morals and killing the part of you that is human. In the end you will resort to murder, torture and war crimes and the knowledge of what you have done will haunt you for as long as you live.”
I also respect the author for putting them all online for free
